Author: Nanshee Spirit

Sometimes I have no idea how people manage to cope with being human here. I have been practising for 56 years and still have the feeling that there is so much I still cannot manage to get right.

At least in phases. This phase here has been going on for quite a while now, and I have had enough. Enough of watching people, in the final stretch of their earthly existence, either suffer or/and lose their consciousness. Of watching them leave and not being able to be accompanied naturally and lovingly in that time.

My aunt has died. She was in a coma for 6 weeks. I visited her regularly every few days. Visiting hours here in Croatia in the intensive care unit are, believe it or not, 30 minutes a day. The doctors’ willingness to provide information and their empathy are depressing. Being human in an inhuman environment is terribly depressing. It makes me angry and sad at the same time.

Apparently, a human being in the final stage of life is no longer worth very much.

I experienced it first-hand with my parents 2.5 years ago, and now with my aunt as well. In the same hospital. Isolation of the relatives from the patient. Self-determination and personal rights – barely existing. The hospital is “a humanity-devouring bubble with its own laws” in which everything gets twisted, and for the sake of the protocol is squeezed into schemes that no longer have anything in common with being treated with dignity.

And when I wrote ‘ worth ’ up there, I mean precisely this human dignity – the fundamental value of our humanity.

For me, this is inviolable. And there are vulnerable moments in life. Dying is, damn it, such a moment. It is sacred.

Through my shamanic practice, I am used to communicating with souls. For me, however, this time it meant: only witness, do not interfere. The connection to my aunt had been strangely severed. That is how I perceived it. Because the resuscitation came too late, she was stuck somewhere between the worlds. I could not do much. I had to completely let go of wanting to effect anything on the energetic level. There will certainly be reasons why everything took this course, and I had nothing to do with most of it.

Just being present in the moment and making a connection. I was still able to play music for her through headphones, depending on the mercy of the staff. Every now and then, sometimes under the nurses’ watchful eyes, I would more or less secretly manage to give her an aroma oil massage. And I talked to my aunt. Told her what was going on and that we missed her. But also that, despite the fact that we missed her here, the most important thing was her very own personal decision and that she could determine for herself when she would let go.

Her soul was confused. Because the machines and the medication were keeping at least her body here and thus also an important part of the anchoring of her soul.

A sepsis then did away with her body and ultimately set her further journey in motion. She had fought for 6 weeks, but it was not meant to be. There was no way back into this life, only into the farewell that was now due.

Farewell, Teta (Aunt) Tonka. Last bastion of my childhood.

Thank you for accompanying me until I was 11 years old and for being there for me when my mother was working in Germany. I hope that you and Mum can finally reconcile now, in retrospect, and meet each other appreciatively on the other planes of existence. I will not miss your mutual competitiveness and your little jabs at each other here. But I will miss both of you. Very much so.

I was 4 months old and too small; I could not decide how and where I lived. I carried too much that should not have been weighing on my shoulders. My successes were rarely allowed to be mine, because the two of you were competing with each other over them. To me my childish mistakes and wishes often felt like a betrayal of one of you. The words ‘ You’re just like your mother ’ or ‘ You’re like your aunt ’ never had a benevolent, encouraging tone. I know that you loved me. But I also know that I was used in a way that was hidden behind care and games of power. I had already seen through it back then and, wherever I could, I would escape. I did not always manage to do so as a child.

You have both now moved on. Strangely enough, both in your 74th year of life.

Letting go is called for once again for me. Despite all the practice, it still does not come easily to me. But my heart tells me that it is now time to turn my attention back to myself.

My biomechanics training has definitely been neglected. My neck has suffered again. My newly growing ideas have had little to no room over the last 6 weeks. So I cannot report much that is new here about my physical realignment and re-calibration.

Apparently, this renewed saying farewell is part of my current process and is another kind of re-calibration – filled with profound insights on the emotional and soul level.

Life simply happens and eventually ends.

That is why I wish for even more awareness in the here and now, and I know this in itself is already so much more valuable than what we restless human beings could ever dream of.

Because consciousness expands in all directions.

At some point, it will also seep into all those corners of this world that have forgotten what human dignity really means.

In the meantime, let us start with ourselves.

Let us gift ourselves the dignity that carries us.

In the here and now.

… and how things will continue for me after this intense time of saying farewell, and which newly growing ideas and next steps are leading me more and more into my work, and whether biomechanics has anything to do with it – you will read in the upcoming blog post …

This morning I woke up with the overwhelming feeling that I’ve been putting my life on pause for the past 2.5 years.

That feeling was triggered by a recent family incident. My aunt has been in a coma for over a week. When I was little, she was essentially my second mother. I lived with her and my grandparents in Croatia for almost eleven years – my parents worked in Germany.

I visit her almost daily – in the intensive care unit. In the very same hospital where my parents died 2.5 years ago. The first time I visited her, I felt really sick. And ever since then my stomach is making problems. The stress – every part of me is resisting. It feels as if no time has passed between then and now. As if those 2.5 years were nothing but a long pause between one feeling of helplessness and the next. 2.5 years during which I was knocked out by chronic health issues and everything was put on hold.

There are some things you simply never want to go through again.

To stare once more into the abyss of my trauma. Into the loss of what I hold dear. To drive the very same road to the hospital that I drove almost every day for two months while my parents were both admitted there, sometimes at the same time, until they died. Why now, just as I was finally beginning to find my footing again?

And yet the quiet hope remains that this might be a hidden opportunity. A chance to finally bring something to a close. To leave this horror behind me once and for all. To make peace with the loss of my parents. To free the hospital from the blame I’ve placed upon it.

My Teta (Aunt) Tonka, my father’s youngest sister, is so to speak the last living connection to my childhood. From my own subjective perspective, she wasn’t only kind to me. A rough-edged character, opinionated. She always seemed to have a cheeky, slightly lecturing piece of advice or a many times fear-inducing opinion readily available.

But four days before her coma she called me and, seemingly out of nowhere, said these words:

‘ You shouldn’t always worry about other people. It’s not good for you. Don’t dwell on the past or the future. Live in the present. I’ve lived my life, but you still have so much ahead of you. Above all, take care of yourself. Find joy in life. I was never able to have children, but you have a wonderful son. Our whole family has always had a tendency to worry too much. And that makes people ill. ’

Was this meant to be her last message for me? Her final gift?

I hope not. I would love to continue our conversations and have her tell me more about my early childhood. To draw further important conclusions for myself and transform this „family history of worry loops“ into something new.

Let’s return to the aforementioned 2.5-year pause in my life. This pause, this state of physically no longer being able to shape my life the way I was used to, basically forced me into the NOW. But this NOW was deeply uncomfortable, demanding, painful, and paralyzing.

Of course, it can then even seem like a way out to escape from such a NOW. Often with even more worries directed toward the past and the future.

So, worrying is also just another form of escape.

An escape from an unbearable now.

We rarely want to escape from a beautiful now. That is something we want to savor, expand, and hold on to. Yet sometimes even that is deeply distorted. Namely when our nervous system is so dysregulated that we even want to escape from a beautiful moment because we cannot bear it. Because we become afraid of losing it.

Therefore, it is about learning to carry and embody beautiful moments more and more.

Over the past month, things have clearly been improving physically for me. I am fitter, my neck is more stable, and I am increasingly finding my way back into joy. Admittedly, I sometimes find the biomechanical alignment exercises boring and demanding. But fortunately, I can now integrate much of them directly into my everyday life. And I love that. It is practical and supports my body exactly where it needs it most urgently – in its daily movement and action.

I sit differently. I walk differently. I stand differently. I sleep differently.

More consciously.

Where deeper and greater body awareness returns to me, a more mature awareness of my own thoughts and feelings returns as well. And of course, it works the other way around too.

At the moment, however, I am simply exploring the effects of my physical realignment and recalibration on my mind-soul-state a little more intensely. And that is a good thing. My body is happy.

During my acting training, we spent a great deal of time exploring our own body language. We developed characters by deliberately exaggerating certain bodily patterns and then observing what that did to the character’s personality and emotions.

The more I learn about the biomechanics of the body and its secrets, the more a whole new world opens up to me. I watch how people move, how they stand and walk, and I read them like an open book.

It’s a catastrophe. So many people are not doing well.

Many of them don’t even realize it. It is still too subtle. Quietly unfolding in the background.

The way we live today is so far away from our natural urge to move. And already in childhood, we begin to gradually destroy our natural movement patterns. Eventually, we become so twisted, crooked, restricted, and dysfunctional in our movement that we no longer know how we could ever find our way out of it.

But there are ways. Biomechanics is just one of them.

If you haven’t yet begun exploring your own body, perhaps now is the time?!

Set out on the journey to discover your body’s own path.

Awaken your body awareness!

… and how you can begin this journey yourself, which newly emerging ideas and next steps are leading me ever more deeply back into my body awareness and my doing – whether biomechanics has anything to do with it, and how the story of my dear Aunt Tonka and our „family history of worry loops“ continues – you’ll find out in the upcoming blog post …

I had been so looking forward to summer and the sea. Today is the summer solstice, early in the morning. The night was warm, the mosquito was annoying, but I still slept. Very well!

So far, my nights have been a bit like Russian roulette. Anything can happen. From sleepless, nightmare-filled, pain-ridden to completely knocked out. Sometimes there are also restful ones. Like last night. Despite difficult conditions, I slept well. I only woke up once and put a quark compress on my neck. It felt good, calmed the inflammation, and then I slept through until 9am. And that’s great! It already made for a really nice start to the day.

My morning routine includes dry brushing to stimulate lymph flow, cold/warm showers up to the hips. At the moment, a few biomechanical exercises to activate my gluteus, core, and trunk, as well as some activation exercises for the latissimus. While still lying in bed, I intuitively work on a few trigger points that I choose spontaneously; often it’s the trapezius, if I have a headache sometimes also the occipital muscles, and in the mornings the gluteus and pectoralis often join in as well.

Technical terms are allowed from time to time.

I have to laugh at myself right now, because I’m clearly starting to throw around anatomical terminology. That’s probably what comes with engaging biomechanically with my own body. Besides the effort, the setbacks, and the recurring bad reactions to change that my body tends to show, I’m really enjoying getting to know its structure and functionality better. Understanding and feeling how I can align myself better in everyday life and move in a more natural, appropriate way has been an absolute game changer for me. I can only warmly recommend this to any anatomy layperson like myself, and therefore I’m rather provocatively raising the question:

Do you know your body as well as your thoughts?

I definitely know my thoughts more than well. Am the queen of psychoanalysis, soul-reading, and the introspective aspects of my thinking spirals.

But my body, on the other hand, was often just supposed to function properly. And now that it’s, in a way, refusing to cooperate, I get to devote some very exclusive time to it.

For me, morning movement is essential, because I tend – especially since I was very unwell and bedridden – to have low blood pressure; and when it’s hot, like it currently is here in Croatia, it becomes twice as exhausting for me. I need this time in the morning to activate my body, otherwise I don’t feel well at all and I have to drag myself through the day.

I prefer a warm breakfast, today it was oatmeal with blueberries. I also like to eat a soft-boiled egg from time to time. Bread I’m not eating at the moment. As a substitute, a few gluten-free crackers work for me. Green tea is my coffee replacement and daily companion.

Then there are the supplements: currently magnesium, vitamin C, and D3 in the morning. Since I’m gently supporting detoxification at the moment, I also take a sip of Sonnenmoor quite some time later than the others. Between meals I take L-glutamine, and with lunch a gut health supplement specifically for the intestinal mucosa, omega-3, and vitamin E. In the afternoon I have another sip of Sonnenmoor. In between, I like to drink Yagcho Neuro, a powder with cocoa, reishi, hericium, ashwagandha, ginkgo… In the evening again magnesium and also K2. However, I don’t take D3 and K2 daily, as I use a higher dosage. I also sometimes skip magnesium in the evening because of my low blood pressure. Everyone should see for themselves what works best for them.

Help from the forest – Red/White

What has repeatedly been my greatest lifesaver for the nerves in my neck is my self-prepared amanita tincture. A few drops rubbed into the neck, and the nerves calm down very quickly. That is very relieving and supportive for the nervous system. Personally, I have to dose it carefully, and I can’t really use it at night, for example, because it lowers my blood pressure (which is fine for most people, but rather uncomfortable for me since it is already low). At night, instead, I prefer to use the aforementioned quark compress!

The immortelle macerate for rubbing on the skin is also wonderful. It calms the mind as well as the neck area, and I have the feeling it brings a light, uplifting energy into the field. Christoph, my partner, recently gathered fresh immortelle (strawflower) again by the sea, and I have now infused it in almond and jojoba oil.

In the evening, I also usually wear blue-light-blocking glasses and I avoid screens for two hours before going to bed. I also avoid eating dinner after 7pm.

All of these plant-based remedies, exercises, and supplements are not set in stone and are not professional medical information, as I vary them and try out what works for me. In any case, the body cannot utilize too much at once very well, and everyone reacts differently.

Please therefore handle this information responsibly on your own!

The sea and me.

Over the past three days, my son and I stayed in an apartment by the sea. We couldn’t afford a longer stay at the moment. Although my home in Croatia is only about a 45-minute drive from the coast and it used to be no big deal for me to drive to the beach for the day, enjoy the sea, and head back home in the evening … right now, however, I still can’t do that without my body paying the price.

So we decided to book a few consecutive days by the sea instead. That way, without all the driving, I could simply walk down to the water and, if the sun became too much, return to the apartment whenever I needed to. For the most part, the plan worked. Even though I underestimated how little time my body would have to adjust and just how intense the heat would be – in the end, I could only spend about an hour at the beach early in the morning and another hour just before sunset. But at least I got to feel the salty blue water on my skin again for several days in a row. What a blessing.

Having the sea right outside my door, yet not being able to dive into it the way I used to, but instead feeling like an old grandmother, quietly swimming just a few gentle laps, also filled me with a deep sadness. I painfully missed the memory of my wild-sea-self, the version of me who floated on my back for hours, jumped from the rocks into the water, and joyfully twisted and tumbled through the waves. I grieved the person I used to be.

Even though I know I live in the present, and that healing often doesn’t become any easier by clinging to the past, I also know that I’m allowed to grieve it. That is part of my process, and I won’t let those clever spiritual sayings take that away from me. I allow myself to fully experience my sadness and my emotions. They are, among other things, what fuel my determination to do everything necessary to regain my strength.

Despite those moments of grief, I didn’t miss the beauty of this little trip. We had a wonderful view of the sea from our terrace. That nourished me deeply.

New visions are emerging.

What a precious gift it has been to spend these days by the sea with my son. To have deep conversations with him, cook together, and also have enough time to talk about the official launch of his nohoru nonprofit frequency network of which I am now both a co-founder and a patron.

We have big plans.

Luca is a strong visionary with a rare ability to see the bigger picture, and I am proud to have been invited to help shape this journey. The long-envisioned ‘ Sound Healing Gathering ’ is gaining momentum once again, and the preparations, which had been put on hold due to my health challenges, are now again active. Soon there will be more concrete news to share.

Community, nature, and frequencies are at the heart of this New Era – the turning point that so many of us have longed for. Both within ourselves and in the world around us. It is the time to take the next steps. To strengthen the generations to come, to give them support, and to help their roots grow deep.

Quietly beginning to sense what purpose my difficult journey over the past few years may also have served, I continue, again and again, to let go of whatever keeps me from moving forward with an open, heart-centered spirit.

And after these intense, vision-filled days by the sea, I find myself wondering:

How many more enriching experiences can we heart-connected human beings help bring into the world in the near future, and what nourishing spaces can we create, both as individuals and as a community?

How much more mindfulness and connection with nature do we need in order to be connected with everything in a healthy and empowered way?

And what will my own contribution to that future look like?

… and where this journey will take me next, how my current healing process will unfold, and how my primordial connection with my body and the expansion of its ability to serve as a gateway to mind and soul will continue … you’ll read about it in my upcoming blog post …

Keeping a blog may no longer be considered one of the trendiest paths to take.

Instead, creating, consuming, and fueling short videos filled with AI content across social media channels seems to be what most people choose in today’s fast-paced world.

Yet I firmly believe that there is another way – one that is deeper and more meaningful. I notice that both I and many others are becoming less and less interested in growing further into these fast-moving structures and media environments.

Quite the opposite: We would much rather grow beyond them.

At least, that is what I interpret from the language of symptoms expressed by an increasing number of bodies and souls around me that are out of balance.

At the latest, when your body seemingly resets you back to zero, the time has come to rediscover a sustainable pace of slowing down.

At the height of my pain and exhaustion, I was neither able to create nor watch video reels or elaborate Instagram posts. I could barely use my phone anymore and became grateful for every message and every phone call that did not require my attention.

Looking back, this was also one of the gifts whose trail I was led to follow.

The powerful theme ‘ What gift does your illness truly bring you? ’ and the importance of decoding this very gift were already touched upon in blog post #1.

Well, my „illness“ placed the gift of withdrawal from all the obligations and entanglements I had imposed upon myself right at my feet. Apparently, I had not yet been able to allow myself this without it. I was too busy!

Why am I now typing again on the keyboard, writing blog posts, and also actively continuing my poetry and my book?

The secret lies in this very gift of retreat and the time it has given me, as well as in a more slowed-down perspective on the time I have been given. It lies in a deeper inner realization of how precious life time is, and in the personal clarity that I am less and less willing to waste it on the superficial, fast-moving digital world.

For me, it is, in the broadest sense, about substance. About ‘ less is more ’. About the courage to slow down in an ever-accelerating world.

Slowing down in everyday life was not always my strength. My astrological double fire also drives me forward, yet it can fuel burnout at the same time. I am learning to moderate myself. To perceive slowed-down time more consciously.

In this slowed and carefully balanced time, I reflect and write things down that deeply move me and, I hope, nourish both you and me equally. It is about giving birth to this blog from within and allowing it to become part of my healing process. This gives me strength, courage, and a new kind of inner peace.

Opening a door for those among my readers and friends who wish to step out of the trending mills of this time, to make space for reading something unfiltered by AI, and to be inspired by what truly moves a fellow human being – what one experiences in an intense and difficult phase of life and what one carries from the depths of one’s being to share – gives me meaning.

This blog is becoming increasingly significant. It is evolving into something like a personal timeline, including a field of reflection for inner and outer transformation.

What is written is – usually – still far from being published.

Without the support of my son, who created the platform and the technical framework for me and who gave me his time, patience, and encouragement, I would most likely not have managed this blog in my current condition.

The support of my partner, who repeatedly encouraged me in moments of doubt and physical setbacks and helped me understand that what I write is important, has greatly helped me to keep centering and realigning myself in difficult moments.

For my still aching body, which is immobile in some places, so much that is „normal“ for other people remains a very great challenge. Patience, slowness, and many breaks are something I have been cultivating in my daily life for the past 2 years.

What makes me believe that I will become fit and stable again?

First and foremost, it is my reawakened strong will that I can feel. The deep inner decision to find my way back into an active sense of life. Even if this sometimes feels almost like a contradiction to the patience and slowness I am learning to practice in parallel. Yet learning to ride precisely this tension in a natural way is immensely important for people with chronic pain and a stressed nervous system.

From a muscular perspective, it is about regaining more flexibility and consciously perceiving one‘s own concentric-eccentric spectrum of muscles, fascia, and connective tissue, and gradually guiding it back into its natural functionality step by step.

Just as my mind dances between poetic activity and worldly, meaningful word constellations, and my soul experiences its expression between material finitude and eternity, my body is invited to reshape its resilience between regeneration and activation.

I have now been in a regenerative process for almost two months. For me, this means entering many consciously created spaces of rest and feeling. Sharpening bodily awareness, especially outside of dysregulated states. Not pushing, and not engaging in forced stretching or massage treatments in the hope that things will improve faster or that I will regain fitness more quickly. Because a body already operating at the limits of its resilience is additionally stressed by tissue stretching. Massages are often too much, and not every therapist has the sensitivity to truly meet a fragile body where it is. Therefore, after many attempts and difficult experiences that sometimes left me incapacitated for weeks or even months, I have stopped trying too many different approaches too close together.

At the moment, I am focusing on a few somatic exercises. On the essential structural rebuilding of my biomechanical foundation, which has fallen out of balance. I focus on my breath, and especially on the pauses between breaths. On healthy, natural nutrition. On nature. On clarity in my mind. On precision in my language. Its semantics and honesty.

Taken together, even this is already a lot, and it does not always work smoothly. I often feel frustrated when my back and neck start hurting again, when dizziness returns, and when I still cannot do what I had set out to do. It is often a dance on the edge: ‘ How much is too much and how much is too little? ’ This is something I must continually recalibrate.

I still perceive more of a ‘ scream body ’ than a dream body, and I know that I will only have truly crossed certain stages when I can again claim a felt sense of stability – even in challenging situations – as ‘ my own ’. But I am not quite there yet.

I am still tender and fragile, and it is not always easy to accept this.

Therefore, I must feel deeply, observe, and practice patience. Not give up, and every single day, no matter how it presents itself, call forth my will for an active, physically fit life, and continue to declare my freedom and mobility as my priority.

I believe that I will manage this, that I will become fit, active, and free of pain again.

My personal mindset and the inner dialogue in relation to my body have never been as important and essential as they are now.

To be vital and flexible is my natural state.

This is my inner mantra, the frequency I am learning to nurture every day.

Perhaps this mantra is also something that gives you strength and encourages your cells to remember that they are allowed to be free from attachment to suffering.

In any case, it helps me greatly not to despair in still difficult phases and to keep shifting my energy field back into something alive and life-embracing.

… and how my path back into active being continues in detail, and how much movement I may regain this beautiful summer, and how I concretely practice all of this in everyday life, you will read in the next blog post …

My regeneration phase (little to no training) has been going on for a whole month now and the sacrum/lumbar spine pain has still not completely subsided. Actually, I’m mainly in the program because of my neck problems and ME/CFS diagnosis and now there is just something ‚shamelessly‘ added that wasn’t there before.

Admittedly, this is deeply frustrating at first. Pain is grueling, but maybe it’s because something old in me is simply worn down when it is so noticeable now.
Something is knocking on my inner door and I’m following…

In this article, a few words about bone torsion and the magic bone juice…

What if our bones were much more important than just being our skeleton?! And what if bones were less rigid and much more permeable than most people assume?!

‚Magic bone juice‘ was so gloriously named because it has a direct influence on our cells, on our power plants (the mitochondria and our DNA). According to the ‘Original Therapy’ legend, the more ‘magical’ bone juice is produced in our bones, the more organic and precise our movement pressure is distributed to the bones involved in the movement. A person who learns from birth to control his bones and muscles organically and species-appropriately produces good juice, which supplies the cells well and makes them strong. This keeps the nervous system supple and resistant. Of course, fresh air, healthy food, clean water and a loving environment etc. also play their important roles in this… The soul and the inner spirit anyway…

But now let’s get back to something that we have at best every day; our locomotion!

Organic locomotion rocks!

If we have not learned to move organically and in a species-appropriate way and have also collected accidents and traumas, for example, then our musculoskeletal system is exposed to improper loads and compensations (improper tensions). The magic bone juice is no longer produced in sufficient quantities and a degenerative chain reaction on cells, nerves, muscles, etc. takes its course. Broken down in the simplest way, our muscles and fascia calcify, our connective tissue slowly dries out. The cells report alarm and our nervous system (wants to protect us) and sends protective voltages and pain.

Once our nervous system is properly attacked and sensitized, our hormone balance, our digestion and so much more in us becomes imbalanced. Our pain body is permanently activated.

The path I am taking now is an attempt to bring my musculoskeletal system back into its species-appropriate functionality as much as possible.

It is first and foremost a physical path.

In the last few months, I have shown my body a few of its old compensation patterns and also shown it new ways. Well, my body is offended. The old compensations don’t work so well anymore when it tries to restore it’s old patterns. However, the new movement sequences and structural positioning are not yet consolidated.

Well, welcome to the intermediate phase, a place that I will certainly get to know more often until my new structure consolidates and knows how to move more organically.

Because even if I am always mindful with my postures and patterns during the day and knowing better and better where I can start, the night and sleep often bring the ‘old’ scheme back into play and challenges me.

Of course human!

I now envy people who have a natural physical posture and a good structure. Because I now know that I have been carrying hypermobility and protective tensions in my body structure for a very long time.
Since my childhood I guess.

We humans are inherently very complex natural beings, but nowadays we unfortunately live less and less species-appropriately. We have unnatural light around us and thus an unnatural sleep rhythm. We eat denatured food processed umpteen times. We are too much indoors and too little in nature. We stare at screens for a large part of our day and see far too much. Sensory overload at all levels has its price. While a body with a good structure can deal with it better, this is a great challenge for a body that is stuck in compensation mode and whose nervous system is already under constant strain.

I’m learning to be patient and to pick up my body right where it is right now. Don’t overwhelm it and still reach out to it and show it new ways. For me, despite the ME/CFS diagnosis, I feel very clearly that there has to be movement so that I can get back into activation, so that my system has a chance to re-calibrate itself.

And I may wonder that our bones (the last thing that is usually left of us when we pass away) are so important and so special. I wonder about myself and how little I have dealt with these things on a bio-mechanical level in my life so far.

But better now than never.

… and how I managed to get this blog up and running despite all my current frailty, why isolated massages, stretches and nerve regulation don’t really get us to our goal and where I get my confidence that I will be pain-free and naturally flexible again… more about that in the upcoming blog post …

Anyone who imagines this kind of body therapy to be a piece of cake will be sorely disappointed.

After 6 weeks in the practice space, I’ve made progress in big small steps.

The exercises are minimalistic yet very precise and modular, with a single goal in mind: to reveal my weak points and uncover compensatory patterns, so that my body can be guided toward healthier new pathways and then helped to reinforce them.

That also hurts. Both physically and emotionally.

Crawling is essential.

Did you know that crawling is immensely important for developing healthy skeletal alignment and proper muscle activation?

My aunt, who was present during my crawling age, answered the question of whether I had crawled? :

‘Oh no, with all the dirt and animals in the village, we quickly put you in those walking pants, and you started walking straight away without crawling when you weren’t even a year old…’

Of course, this also brings deep emotional wounds from my inner child – who at only a few tender months old was left with my grandparents and that young aunt – to the surface and into my feeling space.

For so many things in our lives, we are not responsible. We often had no influence over them at all. And yet so many of us go around almost feeling ashamed of our poor health. Feeling like failures because of our health challenges.

We cannot always resolve things quickly on a physical level. Also not through shamanic paths. The soul has its own sense of time and space, and this is not always congruent with the physical.

It requires patience and self-awareness. Relaxation and determination. Courage and compassion. Trust and caution.

Fascia and trigger point work repeatedly releases unexpected emotions and physical symptoms such as shaking, which I cannot always connect to experiences from the past. That is okay, I do not necessarily need to. What matters is that calcifications and tension can be released, and that the body is allowed to let go of the trauma it is still holding.

This body therapy is definitely not for people who do not want to confront themselves.

An advantage for me is that I am used to such deep processes from my shamanic path.

A new recipe of layers.

The past few weeks have been, in part, a painful peeling of layers. Layer by layer, something new came to light. My pelvis tilts in the wrong direction, and my torso stacks up in compensation, which has a strong impact on my neck. Addressing and resolving these compensations is currently putting strain on my lumbar spine and sacrum.

For the past two days, I’ve been resting flat and giving my body time to recover and integrate. This is the first longer break from training after 6 weeks.

I’m proud of myself because so far I have mostly taken good care of my body.

Only sometimes, when I feel playful, which I tend to be when I’m feeling better, I become impatient and want to put my newly gained mobility into practice right away, as if trying to make up for what I’ve missed over the past years.

Of course that doesn’t work that easily, and I fall into phases of setbacks, feeling like I’m not making good progress.

Picking moments of happiness.

Fortunately, my husband then likes to point out things like:

• You can finally lie on your back again and sleep
• You recently walked miles again
• You cooked several days in a row
• You went grocery shopping on your own again
• Your vertigo is much better
• You’ve written a few chapters in your book
• You were able to create a few Instagram posts again

Okay. He’s absolutely right. I tend to forget how bad things were before as soon as I start feeling a bit better again.

I take that as something positive. I’m looking at the future with more optimism again & that is a great gift!

I’m currently learning a lot of new things on a physical level, and I’m looking forward to also writing in the future about interesting topics such as the effects of bone torsion on the nervous system or calcification of the plantar fascia.

… and how things continue from here, and how long my lumbar spine will need for this recovery, you’ll find out in the next blog post …

The tears from my last two years could fill thousands of gallons. Everyone who knew me no longer recognized me – and I myself was slowly becoming just as unfamiliar to me.

In the moments of my deepest despair, I no longer wanted to life. I didn’t recognize this feeling, it was new and unsettling, even frightening.

My own shamanic journeys and shamanic medicines were present and active from the very beginning of my healing path, helping me not to completely lose my anchor in life. I took part in several intense ancestral healing ceremonies with a shaman friend, but over time, engaging in energetically intense shamanic work became increasingly difficult as my physical condition grew weaker.

At times, I even had the feeling that some kind of energy was trying to prevent me from connecting with my field of power and protection.

I dreamed a lot – especially about my parents.

My family and my closest friends were as confused as I was.

A lot of help that doesn’t actually help.

Hospital stays, countless visits to doctors, MRI scans of the cervical spine (neck) led to diagnoses that brought little relief. Cranio-cervical instability, cervical spine syndrome, cervical spondylosis … & eventually post-COVID and ME/CFS …

In addition, I tried various personal therapies, including alternative medicine, osteopathy, TCM acupuncture, kinesiology, and craniosacral therapy. A friend took me to her psychological counselor. Many euros were spent, and I felt like I hadn’t moved forward at all.

I lost 3.000 € investing in a three-month promising online coaching and training program, which I had to stop after four weeks because by now I felt even worse than before.

By then, all my attempts at healing truly felt like dead ends.

My last savings slipped away, and as a self-employed medicine woman, I did as well.

By then, I was at a loss and felt hopeless. It seemed like all I could do was surrender and be patient.

The horizon is getting brighter.

At the beginning of November 2025, after two years, an unexpected glimmer of hope appeared on my darkened horizon.

Almost casually I came across a video of a young man who amazed me and who spoke about the golden triangle, biomechanical primal body realignment, gut cleansing with primal nutrition, and nervous system reset in a previously unprecedented, logically connected way. Genetics, trauma, and mental hygiene – all included in his perspective, which he conveyed with striking clarity.

I kept hearing “primal” … primal nature, primal body, primal origin.

All those “primal” references awakened the medicine woman in me again!

Something inside me was ringing, and then a glimmer of hope clicked into place, somewhere between heart and soul. A deeply beautiful feeling that I had been missing for a long time.

I enrolled in his free 21-day body therapy trial.

After 10 days of bodywork using his method, I felt significantly better.

For the first time in a long while, I caught a glimpse again of what it might feel like for a healthy body to move and feel.

My soul whispered: Yes, yes !!! I want to live in such a healthy, aligned body again !!!

His method requires time, he says, because everything that has fallen out of balance in the body over decades needs to be realigned from the ground up. Trauma must be released from the fascia. My body had taken on compensations that were costing it strength. A build-up of injuries: from a torn Achilles tendon and a shifted hip to whiplash, were all factors + emotional stress + genetic programming + experienced trauma + illnesses I had gone through … it sounds extremely logical!

That after caring for and losing my parents, my physical “earth ship” – marked by a wide range of experiences – was clearly exhausted, and that after a COVID infection my sails were finally torn, doesn’t really surprise me in hindsight.

The aforementioned BodyReset in the one-year therapy program came at a price. A price that wasn’t in my bank account.

I realized that I was truly ready to commit to this kind of bodywork in the long term. I really wanted to give my body this chance.

The YES was there. Only the HOW was still missing!

Dreams are essential.

I dreamed again of running through meadows, dancing as I go, and spending hours collecting shells with my head in the pebbles. I dream of finishing my book, starting new workshops, working with people again, and continuing my shamanic work. Of sitting around a campfire, laughing with my family and friends. Of traveling.

I don’t remember exactly how it came into my mind, but the crazy idea of starting a GoFundMe campaign was born.

Everything had to happen very quickly, because the program was already set to start at the beginning of January 2026!

I didn’t have much time to think it through. I was brave nonetheless, because it wasn’t easy for me to share the details of my current situation with my acquaintances and followers and to ask for support.

(In fact, publishing this blog directly on my website isn’t very easy for me either. But that, too, is part of my journey right now.)

Friends and family helped me set up my ‘Back to Life’ campaign, and the miracle happened!

Within two weeks, I had raised the money!

And that was exactly the most sensible crazy idea I had since my health crash.

So many wonderful people took part in the campaign and made this path possible for me!

Gratitude is far too small a word for what I feel for my courage and for the people who made this miracle possible.

… I’ll write about my start and the first phase of my one-year BodyReset in my next blog post …

I certainly do not want to nestle into an „illness“. No matter how long it has been brewing. No matter what name it has been given. But since it is already here, I want to honor it by getting to know it up close and recognizing what it brings me. It is not evil, and perhaps not even arbitrary. It must have brought me something I needed. Even if I believe I did not order it.

As the ancient shamans so beautifully said: What gift does your illness truly bring you?

Gifts are meant to be unwrapped.

This is not easy, because this gift frightens me. It is clingy and active 24 hours a day, trying to render me inactive. Hiding it or trying to get rid of it, only to stumble over it again, does not work.
Ignoring it and sneaking a quick glance once in a while might be somewhat restful, yet it is far too loud to overlook.

It must have deeper and wider roots, even if it seemed to begin only on March 18, 2024, with a painful flash in the back of my head.

This „beast“ of a gift has since perched itself on my back at times more, at times less – nestled in my bones, my stomach, my heart, and my nervous system. It brings me to my knees, sparks waves of pain, causes circulatory mishaps and stomach problems. It keeps me from sleeping, working, laughing.

All healing hands that touch my body are puzzled. My body behaves stubbornly, frozen, reacting to even the slightest touch as if armies of trampling wild animals had taken hold. Everything, even eating and going to the bathroom, is exhausting.

The lack of sleep, the exhaustion, the irregular heartbeat, the nausea, the pain, the dizziness with every movement weakened me day by day. The pounds fall off, hope diminished. And my bed felt like a prison ship below deck on a stormy sea, with shifting winds and no sunlight.

Between hope and grief, courage and despair, this ship has now drifted on the open sea for almost two years.

The beginning that was an ending.

My mother passed away at the end of 2023, and three weeks later my father. They held each other’s hands. And I was finally left here empty-handed, my little girl’s heart bleeding. Old, gaping wounds of the child abandoned at a few months of age now take their time and space to reveal themselves in all their force.

Covid then visited my abandoned, wounded, defenseless child, further draining what little injured strength I had left.

Ancient ancestral pathways shattered in my cells, telling of suffering, despair, and powerlessness. Of women who sacrificed themselves, who forgot themselves. And I was right in the middle.

My own story, anger, and grief exploded in my muscles. Fireworks of nerves kept me awake even in my dreams.

My body has indeed experienced and carried a lot. Accidents, trauma, separation, birth. Also the stories of others from journeys to medicine for the many people along my path.
But my soul is free, even now, while the body it inhabits seems to crumble. The crumbling itself is painful.

It is a maturation process.

Insights emerge again and again, sometimes very slowly. Acceptance is an important part of it.

Accepting myself like this. The strong medicine woman may also be weak. She may embody her vulnerable depth. She may rediscover and explore her body.

She may show her female dignity unadorned to the world

On this path lie wonderful encounters, support, prayers. The people around me are very strong.
I know I am too. Even now, when I can barely feel it.

Together with my wounded body, whose cells yearn for their original light, I move forward courageously.

… how it continued and continues, you can read in the next blog post …